A FEELING OF DEJA' VU

Agnes Lopez Reano

 

 

         September 28, 2008 at around 10am I received a text message from COL LUCES the Brigade Commander of 902nd Infantry Brigade based at Tulay na Lupa, Labo, Camarines Norte informing me that I am to be invited by the 31st Infantry “Charge” Battalion in their scheduled series of Grand Pulong-pulong in the towns of Ragay, Sipocot and Lupi all in Camarines Sur.  Without thinking twice and not even informing my Battalion Commander COL BUENAVENTURA C PASCUAL I readily agreed.  Not that I wanted to by passed my immediate commander but the desire to go back once again to my former area of operations when I was still an NPA is so intense that I forgot to first inform my Commander.  Fortunately COL PASCUAL is one Commander that understands the psyche of a former NPA, one who needs to exorcise oneself from the sins of the past and who greatly longed to ask publicly for an apology for the wrongs that he/she committed.  I verbally informed my Commander and without thinking twice and no questions asked he readily agreed which I really appreciated very much. Then MAJ TUMALIAUAN, our 9th CMO Unit Commander in Bicol informed me that I am to go back to Bicol particularly with the 31st IB, only that I have to wait for the official communication.  The request arrived at my CO’s office, then came the day that I have to go back once again to Bicol.

 

         Actually, this was not the first time that I am going back to Bicol.  My homecoming took placed in October 2006, when I was tasked by my former Station Manager at DWDD-Armed Forces Radio MAJ GERARDO ZAMUDIO JR to launch the program “Ang Inyong Armed Forces” at DZKI in Iriga City.  COL ISLES took care of all my travels and itineraries.  After the launching Col Isles requested that we passed by Buhi wherein a live-in seminar was taking place spearheaded by the 42nd Infantry Battalion headed then by COL DECE A YABO.  I was also requested to share my life as an NPA operating in Bicol Region on that particular seminar.  From then on, the rest was history.  COL DECE YABO was very instrumental for my travel in the different towns and provinces of Bicol Region. 

 

         The day arrived that I have to go back. . . this started my journey back in time.  What was so different in this particular travel was the fact that the towns that we had our grand pulong-pulong were not the same towns that I had visited with the 42nd Infantry Battalion and 22nd Infantry Battalion.  This is the first time that I am going back on the three towns mentioned above, places wherein I had my first encounters with the armed component of the movement when I was still a budding student at Ateneo de Naga University and a member of a front student organization. 

 

         October 13, 2008, 7:00PM, I arrived at Tara, Sipocot where I was fetched by members of the 31st IB.  It was so dark, I found it difficult to determine where I was at that time, and honestly I was disoriented.  This particular place was so prominent in my revolutionary life.  In 1987 the team of Ka Vergel destroyed the bridge connecting Sipocot and the towns going inside Naga City, the only passage going in and out of the First District of Camarines Sur. The next day, at exactly 6:30AM, we left the Battalion headquarters to Brgy Samay, Ragay, Camarines Sur, my first schedule of Grand Pulong-pulong.  I was struck by too heavy a feeling of guilt and shame. This is the very same town that I was tested. . . tested by the Bagong Hukbong Bayan to talked in front of the people, to sell the ideology that I believed then. These are the very same people that I deceived. . . the very same people whom I ensnared  to render support to the armed component on the pretext that the NPA was their liberation from bondage of soil, tyranny of compradors and elites, poverty and ignorance, only to find out later on that I was a part of the sham and deceptions.  After Brgy. Samay we went the next day to Brgy. GRS, Ragay, Camarines Sur wherein a joint Grand pulong-pulong for the said barangay and Brgy. Cabadisan was held. This started my journey back in time when I was still a thick-skinned “freedom fighter”, the feeling of déjà vu.

 

         After my testimony at Brgy. GRS, Ragay, Camarines Sur, the former postmaster of  Ragay now a Municipal Councilor, KAG. BUHAT approached me and told me that he still remembers me as Ka Tina my nomdeguere or koda.  To really test that he knew me I asked questions about our activities then, slowly and chronologically he relayed all my activities.  From the day that we organized the Municipal employees for the purpose of collecting 10% from their salary as their Revolutionary Tax to the very indiscreet travel that I had with the three Jocson who were my comrades then operating in Ragay. 

 

         Slowly and painfully, I can vividly recall all the “atrocities” that we had committed against the very same people that we promised to serve and protect.  Oct 21, 2008, at exactly 8:35 in the morning we arrived at Brgy Baya wherein a joint Grand Pulong-pulong with Brgy Salvacion all of Ragay, Camarines Sur will be held.  It was so hot that particular day, the feeling of guilt was so heavy, honestly, I was not only feeling guilty but there’s a feeling of ignominy, disgrace, shame and most of all the never ending feeling of honest remorse.  But I also realized and accepted, however I felt remorseful for the mistakes that I had committed, the remorse will never bring back the lives of the students that I had recruited and were eventually killed in an encounter, the civilians that we killed nor the soldiers that we had ambushed, the families that suffered because of the forced taxations that we implemented.

         October 23, 2008 the scheduled Grand Pulong-pulong in Bgry Lower Sta Cruz, Ragay, Camarines Sur pushed through.  A more intense feeling of déjà vu, why? I saw Ka Dino, my former comrade, we were both flabbergasted and amazed with a little fear on my side, of course, I was not expecting to see him in that particular situation since I knew who was Ka Dino and what were his participations in the movement. Fortunately my fear changed into elation I was informed by Lt Canlobo that Ka Dino had already talked to him and expressed support for the soldier’s effort in his barangay. Honestly, I said to myself, that’s another one minus the movement which eventually I know deep within, will die a natural death.

 

         October 28, 2008, another joint Grand Pulong-pulong of Brgy. Cawayan and Patalunan all of Ragay, Camarines Sur was held.  The activity was held at the basketball court of Brgy Cawayan.  We arrived at the venue at around 8:30 in the morning, there were few people.  At this point in time, I felt a little more attuned with sharing my testimony, but something happened in this particular barangay, which I vowed that upon arriving in Manila I will write my experiences, not just to share my story but purposely to help in the long run, first and foremost my comrades who are still up there in the hinterlands of Bicol Region, still fighting a nonsensical war, a war that will never be won, that they may arrive with the same decision that I had made when I decided once and for all to put a stop on this lunacy of pretending to “fight for the people”.  That they may find the COURAGE to go back to their families and live a normal life, that they may find the WISDOM to finally make the decision to become a part of the “true solution” of our society’s problems and ills.

 

         During the program, the two participating barangays had a presentation, and this was where I can no longer hold back the tears. I cried silently, alone in one corner of the Day Care center of Bgry Baya.  Tears of remorse, shame and guilt rolled into one.  This time the program was very different from the previous pulong-pulong, each barangay had a presentation.  It was the presentation of Brgy. Patalunan that slapped me head-on, “I was a part of the sufferings and privations of these people”.

 

         The presentation was so simple, it depicts the ordinary lives of the people in a barrio, the first part showed the poverty and destitution of the residents of Brgy. Patalunan during the time that the armed components or the “armado” were present. The hardships that they were experiencing because of the “forced revolutionary taxations” imposed on them, which the people considered another financial burden on their part.  The “fear” wherein they considered as a prison because they could not moved freely, live independently and decides on their own.

 

         The second part showed the transformation of the barangay when the soldiers arrived.  What was most striking in the presentation was the portion wherein the soldiers constructed a “public toilet” and when they taught the people of different games, like basketball and volleyball.  I realized then and there, that all the people need was to “feel” that the government is concerned about their lot and their lives.  That all they need is a simple expression of “caring” and “concern”.

 

         As I remember, it was in Brgy. Cawayan, Ragay, Cam Sur that I cried buckets of tears.  I was so ashamed of the things that my group had perpetrated to serve our own twisted and vested interests.  But nevertheless, shamed as I was I could never right the wrong that we had committed. It was on that day that my resolution to be a part of the effort of the ARMED FORCES OF THE PHILIPPINES particularly the PHILIPPINE ARMY and specifically the CIVIL MILITARY OPERATIONS BATTALION became more intense and focused. 

 

         With the campaigns of the AFP, particularly on the “education” of the masses I know that we can hurdle all the odds, arrived at a point wherein my comrades will finally take the “courage’ to lay down their arms and join the legitimate government, and synergize the efforts to focus on the “solutions” our country needs.

 

         I have a lot to be grateful, the officers whom I met in the course of my crusade, officers who are committed and dedicated showed me that problems can be solved by “peaceful means”, by “talking it out” not “fighting it out”, by just simply showing sincere and honest “concern” to the people.  The enlisted personnel who are disciplined and focused on achieving their desired mission, that of “helping the people” and be a part of their daily lives. Of the whole institution of the ARMED FORCES OF THE PHILIPPINES who vowed to be the Filipino people’s “protector” not only in words but in deeds. With all of these I know deep within that there can never be goals that we cannot achieve, dreams that we cannot attain, objectives that we cannot accomplish so long as the institution stay focus and motivated. TO ALL THE PEOPLE THAT I MET, THANK YOU IS AN UNDERSTATEMENT, BUT JUST THE SAME I OWE YOU EVERYTHING. MARAMING SALAMAT AT MABUHAY ANG PILINAS.